The Good the Bad and the Ugly

How do we see the difference in the good and the bad when from out here it all looks exactly the same? In relationships of all sorts across the world at this very moments hearts are breaking. Families are fighting, and friends are vowing to never talk again. It's amazing you see we trust as human beings its in our nature. We allow past experiences with people to tell us what we need to know about them. If last week your sister was your best friend and this week she is siding your worst enemy you might use the phrase "I never saw this coming". You might be dooped into believing what ever you wanted to believe its in your nature. Why wouldn't you believe someone has your best interest at heart unless they had already shown you otherwise. The truth is in the beginning or even if you have known someone for your whole life you never really know them you only know what they allow you to see. Ive been a bit of a sceptic my whole life, Ive been called jaded, bitter and evil on occasions for the simple fact that most of the time I call bull*****! I have a hard time believing in the good of people but like all of you I too am human. You eventually will fall into the trap of believing every little word that comes out of someones mouth, and the funny thing is you will do it ALLOT in your lifetime fall for someones B.S. and it will hurt because its a long way down from perfection. Now I Know what you are thinking "There has to be people out there that care enough to handle you with care, there has to be good people in the world." Yes that is true there are good people in the world there are those whose soul purpose in life is to be deserving of your love and trust. How in the world do you tell those two types apart they look exactly the same?
Now its not exactly a harmonious or god like to judge and I am not trying to be one of those people (I hate people that judge). The truth is you can't judge you have to take the good with the bad because most likely these people on either side of that good / evil fence are not a cookie cutter image of both. People are a mixture of things including good and evil. They will hurt you and make you laugh, or create anger and bring the only smile of the day and this can all happen in a matter of an hour!!!! It can be confusing. Who do you choose to keep or give away? What feelings do you hang on to, the hurt or the happy? How ow do you move on with or without them? and my particularly favorite question When do you make such definite decisions? I cant answer that for anyone. I can only tell you that its up to you which leaves you no more or less confused then I.
You have a decision what kind of people you want to surround you in this life. Its up to you what you believe you deserve what you can handle and most important what you can forgive. Forgiveness is so important because if you can not learn to forgive you are not only punishing someone else. You are punishing yourself by being angry and harboring nasty thoughts and negative energy. You will not allow yourself to see the beauty in things as you once did before. You create a sort of fuzzy picture of the world disillusioned with mistrust, and sadness. Like a scenic painting spoiled by black boxes you will no longer see anything in its entirety or the "big picture".
when you look at the world through open eyes with hope and love and care you except those things into your heart. Its like falling in love for the first time and seeing that everything really is OK. The hard part is learning to accept what you cannot change. Forgive do not forget and keep only what you need. There are wolves that walk amongst us we all have our own inner demons we face at some point. You have to remember those that love you, look exactly like those who will hurt you, abuse you, and deceive you. You just wont know until it happens. You have to be open to get hurt to find what you want out of life, it full of disappointment. I am a firm believer though that the world is also full of beauty, and joy. In the end you have to accept both find a way to deal with it in your heart, learn and grow. It's a long fall from perfection but its a hell of a view on the way down.

Remember when.....

I remember when I was 11 things were so simple nothing was complex or at least the world around me didn't matter so much. Now however at the ripe age of 29.... everything seems to matter. I seem to create complexity in my life as if I don't, I will stop moving, stop worrying, and fall over and die (You never know it could happen). Now I know my sudden case of "stop stressing and die syndrome" creeps into my thoughts everyday. I cannot seem to convince myself that if I just breath, I can still exist, still be loved, still go on with my life of rules and ideas and stress. My friends mother...... (I will call her "mother Sharon" to be compared to "mother Teresa" because I am convinced she is my spiritual guide at this point.) She says to me "dear you have not let go of all of these things because you are afraid. You are searching the world for stability in everyone and everything. You have to be ready to make changes be unstable and love it. Everything does not have to be perfection you do not have to be the glue. The people that love you will not hate you, will not be disappointed and your world will not fall to pieces if you let go of worrying about EVERYTHING." She added "I have never seen any young lady carry the universe on her shoulders, and then add a couple of pounds just for measure, eventually you are going to collapse under the pressure."
I thought about what she said for a while and then for a couple days to follow, I had not had a lot of stability in my life not even since I was a child but I had never looked at it that way. When I was a child the world did not crumble, or stop spinning. The people in my life did not drop me off at a fire station and say "she is too carefree we don't want her", although I am sure my mother thought about it. When you are younger you take in everything the stars at night, a particular movie like "Lost Boys" anything any simple pleasure can be a happy moment. As we grow and lose our "child self" we start worrying about all the things we don't have, how to fill the empty space in our heads, homes, and heart. We forget to stop and smell the lilacs. (I am particularly fond of lilacs.) Its like yoga and meditation teaches what if we are good and perfect just as we are in our original self no changes? I remember a time more simple when I didn't worry so much a time when I didn't search for stability because I thought it was already there. You know when you are 11 you don't actually see your family as at fault for making you crazy that does'nt come till 17.

Searching for Water.....

I feel most days as if I am searching for some divine intervention to happen in everything. Waiting patiently for a "sign" I'm on the right path, that I chose the right color for my nails (yes I have a problem with decisions and I look for signs everywhere). I am constantly waiting for a booming voice to come from above and say "Hey stupid not that one", "don't go that way", and my favorite "watch out for him" of course this voice never comes and I make bad decisions about everything. These faulty decisions lead to self loathing "why does god hate me?", "what did I do to deserve this?" etc. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks...... I made the decision why am I blaming someone else? Then I turn the self loathing to hatred beat myself up and here comes the guilt again. I am learning things are not always up to me or the divine and although god has a plan for all of us, he too is not to blame. Its not Karma.....it just is. The mistakes are what makes us who we are and shapes our future, our thoughts. I have spent my entire life blaming myself, my parents, my surroundings, and my favorite... god..... the divine...all knowing. I mean I figured if he loves me so much and is so powerful where was he while I hurt? Where was god when I begged for help? What was divine about feeling such guilt and hatred towards myself? Its starting to get clear to me now.... god was not present when he did not need to be. When I needed to fall, re-discover myself, and make drastic changes in my life kicking and screaming all the way that needed to be me. I had something to prove to myself no one else.
My overwhelming need to have someone whether it was me or god control everything in my life has taken over....(Remember I said I Its starting to become clear). Now I still believe I can do anything I put my mind to, that doesn't mean there wont be road blocks on my way there. I just have to remember that I am not in control of everything, only my own choices which means I need to trust myself and my intuition. I recently read a book in which the Author Elizabeth Gilbert said if she could not control everything what would she do with all her spare time? Someone advised "look for god like a man on fire looks for water". I feel as though I have been searching for water in EVERYTHING all my life the meaning, the sign, the love, the reason for the world turning. I have had yet to truly search for a spiritual connection its a work in progress but I must admit if I quit looking for the "water" in everything maybe I would have more time to look at myself concentrate on the beauty in life and the amazing power of the divine, which if you look is evident everyday.

Eddie Vedder - Better Days

Side Note to me

OK, OK so I don't want to gush or get all girlie and excited but at least three people have read my blog lol !!!!!! Yippee "insert fireworks". It's a start that's how dreams start you know with simple small things. So in case I forget this little fact I'm making a side note to me.
Dear Author of this blog (me),
             You have to begin to finish, endure to learn and try to fail. Nothing good comes easy, and nothing easy comes good. You can make yourself, create yourself or hold yourself back it's your choice. Do not depend on others to make your outcome. Even in time of self doubt go ahead and doubt, but get over it fast and refuel with positive reinforcement. Remember you deserve happiness.
Sincerely,
Me You, I

Now that that is out of the way and I sound crazy to whoever comes across this in the future there is other news today. Prop 8 is UNCONSTITUTIONAL its amazing to see the power of normal human beings when they are pushed to their limits. Fighting for what you believe is everything and though I am not a lesbian, I have friends that are gay and I support them. My religious views do not counter how I feel about this, I love god and his word when he wrote the book things were different. I wonder if god would choose to edit and revise or release an additional volume of the good book. In any case anything that makes others happy in turn makes me happy, so congratulations and I applaud you.
 L'amore è Una Bella cosa

Hello, Good Morning

When I woke up this morning to my darling terrier puppy licking my face as if he were an alarm clock... I immediatley thought of blogging. I have all these crazy things rushing through my head about writing and how I have always wanted to be a real writer but A) Never thought I was talented enough and B) Couldnt make a living doing it (plus I am a terrible speller). I shot myself in the foot before I stood up to walk. Recently I had a conversation with a very confident man (who by the way seems like he never doubts himself I hate him for that) he told me if you want to do something dont stop yourself because you are afraid to fail. who cares if you dont make money or develop a best seller or even never get published. Just write maybe it will be good just to get some things on paper. He was right (but I didnt say that and if you tell anyone Ill deny it). After my coffee an emotional breakdown of crying for five minutes and a chat with my friend, I logged on. To realize I am my only reader my only follower on this blog so far. Utter dissapointment as if I had failed and have not even found a center or destination for my blog entries.I actually spoke with no one in the room but the terriers "Hell I haven't even started this thing yet, and I have already failed", so I logged out and figured I'm not going to post then, "I quit".  I quickly corrected myself and started typing.
Ill admit ...and I don't admit this to anyone "I'm scared". In order to be an effective writer you have to be willing to "bare your soul" dramatic right? People need to identify and if you write about you it better be real and it better be interesting. I even told "Mr. Confident" "don't read my blog and if you do, don't comment on it its embarrassing." I was turning away customers as if I didn't want to sell my goods. So I will ask people to read, be embarrassed, bare my soul and tell the truth because that what I expect in a writer. Its barely pass noon and I have already cried about being unemployed, felt failure, conquered fear and fed and walk my adorable terriers. Not bad, as for this blog still no real direction besides to feel like a high school student writing in my journal but its a start....I'm writing. It does make me happy and my direction my plot or my angle will come. If anyone ever does read this perhaps you could leave me a comment let me know if you have any suggestions. Who am I kidding I better find something interesting to say or no one will ever read it but stillI tried and failed ...I tried and conquered. Go me.

Just another Ordinary Day

When things go wrong eventually you have to move on from it and quit dwelling. Soon all that's wrong becomes normal or in the past and you have to return to the person you were before disaster struck. Its funny you realize in life you cant fix everything ...... ha lets be honest its rare you can truly "fix" anything it doesn't erase the past or change the future. I'm woke up this morning only to realize I have been harboring guilt (as we have spoken about before) and sadness and hatred and all of the nasty little things that will slowly and silently pull you apart. Its as if a stranger is creeping and lurking in your room waiting for the perfect moment to strike. The moment you are at your weakest point, defenseless from your attacker (which by the way is yourself) all those nasty little feelings you have been tucking away, will jump out from behind the curtain and BAMM...... your crumbled on the floor in a pile of nothing looking as if your life has drained out of you. The worst part is if you survive you realize you only have yourself to blame. I have witnessed it myself on many occasions in everyday ordinary life with many people. Spend too much time with negative you become weak worn and venerable to the elements. Learning to let go and be happy or grant forgiveness is the most difficult things to do.
Every day is ordinary its what you do with it that makes you extraordinary. You can spend another day doing what you have always done or you can choose to change yourself which will result in a change in your environment, and then guess what? This will actually result in changes in your life. You will have more time to enjoy life and truly enjoy those you have decided to keep in your life. (Lets be honest some of the people that created or aided your little obsession with anger have to go). Ill end this here given I have a term paper to finish..... everyday is an ordinary day but you have the opportunity to make it extraordinary clean out the clutter in your life if its unnecessary LET IT GO. Allow yourself to be happy.

Confusion to Completion

Guilt can be an aweful thing. Its as if we all just want to continue punishing ourselves for everything. I tend to apologize for no reason what so ever, maybe to take the blame from others maybe I truely feel its my fault. Either way we get so caught up over guilt. Guilt because we ate something we should'nt, guilt because we were lazy instead of doing laundry on a sunday. We feel guilt over the strangest things. We fill our lives with the daily routines as if anything goes wrong we may fall apart. I recently realized my busy lifestyle, over filled with school, work, home life, friends, and hobbies were overwhelming. Not to mention my daily guilt of not getting enough out of life. My job seemed to not matter my degree seemed too broad and my homelife was a constant battle to relax. I even made other people feel guilty for not getting more out of thier life, for being "lazy".

I had to question myself and everyone around me. I wondered "Is everyone feeling like this or are people out there actually happy and satisfied with themselves? Does everyone feel guilty if they eat a doughnut? Or am I a doughnut?" I decided I was sick with feeling not good enough, not complete enough, not happy enough. When did I get to feel "full", complete, fullfilled? Before it had always been "I will be happy when......" What about right now? What do I really want? This blog will be my journey of self exploration my path to wherever it is that would create a more "peaceful" or "complete" me. I am about to turn 30 these are the questions maybe everyone asks...dont they? I hope so... but if not that just makes me unique...not insane..