Searching for Water.....

I feel most days as if I am searching for some divine intervention to happen in everything. Waiting patiently for a "sign" I'm on the right path, that I chose the right color for my nails (yes I have a problem with decisions and I look for signs everywhere). I am constantly waiting for a booming voice to come from above and say "Hey stupid not that one", "don't go that way", and my favorite "watch out for him" of course this voice never comes and I make bad decisions about everything. These faulty decisions lead to self loathing "why does god hate me?", "what did I do to deserve this?" etc. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks...... I made the decision why am I blaming someone else? Then I turn the self loathing to hatred beat myself up and here comes the guilt again. I am learning things are not always up to me or the divine and although god has a plan for all of us, he too is not to blame. Its not Karma.....it just is. The mistakes are what makes us who we are and shapes our future, our thoughts. I have spent my entire life blaming myself, my parents, my surroundings, and my favorite... god..... the divine...all knowing. I mean I figured if he loves me so much and is so powerful where was he while I hurt? Where was god when I begged for help? What was divine about feeling such guilt and hatred towards myself? Its starting to get clear to me now.... god was not present when he did not need to be. When I needed to fall, re-discover myself, and make drastic changes in my life kicking and screaming all the way that needed to be me. I had something to prove to myself no one else.
My overwhelming need to have someone whether it was me or god control everything in my life has taken over....(Remember I said I Its starting to become clear). Now I still believe I can do anything I put my mind to, that doesn't mean there wont be road blocks on my way there. I just have to remember that I am not in control of everything, only my own choices which means I need to trust myself and my intuition. I recently read a book in which the Author Elizabeth Gilbert said if she could not control everything what would she do with all her spare time? Someone advised "look for god like a man on fire looks for water". I feel as though I have been searching for water in EVERYTHING all my life the meaning, the sign, the love, the reason for the world turning. I have had yet to truly search for a spiritual connection its a work in progress but I must admit if I quit looking for the "water" in everything maybe I would have more time to look at myself concentrate on the beauty in life and the amazing power of the divine, which if you look is evident everyday.